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What makes you smile?

I woke up this morning and poured my cup of coffee took a quick sip and then went to my baby’s room to see her smiling face. Oh the best part of my day! I hope she always stays a morning person (unlike her momma). I started to think what makes this little girl smile. Am I funny looking? Is she excited to see her mommy? Does she know she will get a diaper change, dressed, and then a ba ba (bottle)? Her smile is such an example of pure happiness though! I hope she doesn’t lose that when she gets older.

It got me thinking about what makes me very happy. One thing that always takes me somewhere and fills my heart with happiness is the season of Fall. It’s hard to explain how this season makes me feel so I hope through a list of why it’s one of my favorite times it will become more clear.

1. Simply fall means it’s football season! When I hear MNF football theme song my heart dances. I think back to when I was young and my dad watched the games, cheering for his favorite teams. In high school it was all about what was going on in town on Friday night! In college tailgating was what made Saturdays amazing! Showing school pride and hanging with a family away from family. Football is not just a sport to me; it contains life lessons in every practice, game, season. I have a rule in my house that during indianapolis colt games I will not respond to phone calls, text, or anything. (Let’s hope Carolina learns this rule quickly)!!

2. Hoodies and chunky sweaters! I’ve never been one to love summer clothes and bathing suits so fall clothing styles more closely represents my style. Faded jeans and a hoodie is my ideal outfit. It’s comfortable. You can do anything in it. It’s easy.

3. Bonfires. Yes you can have bonfires in summer but the air in fall is so much more alive to me. Bonfires, hoodies, after you favorite team wins the game…. Are you getting the picture?

4. The colors in nature. I love love when the leaves change colors. The reds, oranges, yellows, and all the shades in between; there is no other season that is more colorful and beautiful. My house is located in the perfect place to see all the beauty. I have a corn field across the street and so the corn stalks are drying out in a golden hue that shines. A free line at the corner of the house that has all the colors of fall. A maple tree that hasn’t been the same color year after year. (I’ll attach photos that I’ve taken in falls past. All pictures are from right around my house) i love my morning walks to see the sights as everyday the landscapes change. It’s so ironic to me that the world is so full of beauty when plants are dying and preparing for winter.

5. Cool crisp morning air. Nothing can take my breath away like a cool crisp fall morning. The smell, the sights, the sounds. It’s perfection.

6. Pumpkin anything. Have you ever wondered why we only eat pumpkins in the fall. But pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pies!!! Yum yum yum!!! Now all I want is a little of all of it.

7. Fall scented candles. Pumpkin, apple cider, pine, apricot…. And all the crazy fall combinations out there!

8. New tv episodes. Ahhh 8-10p is the best time for tv with all the series coming back on with new episodes. Scandal, modern family, the voice just to name a few.

9. The beginning to the holiday season and family traditions. This year this is what I’m most looking forward to. My favorite childhood memories start with fall season and into the new year. With Carolina here now I’m finally able to create new memories with my new family! Walking around fall festivals, pumpkin patches, playing in the leaves, family trips, thanksgiving! Ahh my heart is full just thinking about all that we can do!

Fall is as you can see is my favorite time of year. Thinking about all of the things listed above has for me smiling just like Carolina does when she wakes up. It’s simple and honest. Carolina has a way though to help me see the beauty in many things that I didn’t notice before.

Here’s to fall coming around the corner!!!

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10 things that rock about being pregnant

I didn’t necessarily like being pregnant but looking back I do miss many aspects as listed in this blog entry! I think I’m too controlling and I just didn’t know what to expect. Maybe my next pregnancy I can enjoy it more.

The Dazed Mommy

I loved being pregnant. My sweetness is only four months old and I already want to be pregnant again! I also love being a mommy, and I definitely want to do it all again.
There were some cruddy parts of pregnancy, of course. But here’s a list of my 10 fave parts of being preggers!

1. Baby kicks.

2. Getting huge…and being totally ok with it!

3. Clear skin!

4. You can use it as an excuse to get out of a speeding ticket.

5. In fact, you can use it to get out of, or to get away with, anything!

6. People will do anything you ask of them, because you’re huge and incapable…or at least, that’s what you’re leading them to believe.

7. You can eat the things that you normally sneak, because they’re just plain weird…rice crispy cereal with chocolate milk, anyone? Hey, it’s okay! You’re pregnant!

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Precious moments and memories

Today my sweet Carolina is 3 months old! Oh my goodness where does the time go? I never had time fly by so much until I was on a two feed schedule which is now a 3-4 hour feed schedule. The last 13 weeks has just been a joy. Yes, there have been many many sleepless nights and evenings of just screaming and screaming but even the toughest days have been better than any day before her.

I started taking pictures each month to show her changes and growth; and wow how she has changed in just 3 months! I also add text to the pictures to highlight milestones during her development! After her 12 month picture I’m not sure what I will do with the pictures but I’ll do something (Suggestions are welcomed). I’ve attached the photos for the past 3 months!

I also write her letters for major milestones and each month to share my thoughts and feelings with her. I wrote about family members she’s met. I will give the letters to her one day when she is older. I hope she will appreciate the memories and knowing more about her mother.

Today has been such a beautiful day! Happy 3 months baby girl mommy loves you to the moon and back.

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first come loves… then comes marriage…. then baby????

written: 8.21.14

“it’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” Author unknown

 
I remember reading that quote when all I could think about was having a baby. As children we grow up singing ‘first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (insert name) with a baby carriage.’ Sadly as with most fairy tales and stories from our childhood it just doesn’t always happen this way.  
 
I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in 2008. We got married in 2011, and instantly knew we wanted a family so we did what any married couple does we tried and tried to conceive. 
 
I pride myself that I’m pretty realistic and I didn’t expect to get pregnant the first time we tried but after 6 months I wonder what was taking so long. I made an appointment with my obgyn to discuss everything and after a few tests and appointments we discovered our ‘fairy tale’ wouldn’t be so simple… Or possible. 
 
I think any female that receives news like this goes through a series of emotions… Why is this happening to me? 
Will my husband regret marrying me if I can never give him a child? 
As a woman this is what I’m here to do… Bear children so if impossible what is my purpose then? 
 
The main frustration was My husband and I did everything right, we graduated high school, went straight to college and received our degrees, had good careers started, got married…. so why can’t we get pregnant…. It wasn’t fair!!
 
I struggled with these emotions, questions, frustrations for days. I think the number one emotion I felt was just overall sadness. 
 
I did everything my doctor told me to do. Nine loooong months of trying with the help of medication my obgyn then told me he would refer me to infertility specialists in my area. What I heard is “there nothing more I can do for you, sorry.” Which is another disappointment. I quickly found out that my insurance nor my husbands covered any infertility treatment. The consultation would be $600. A cost my husband and were not prepared for. 
 
I’m not a quitter but I was starting to see our window of opportunity closing. I found myself pulling away from my husband because I felt like I was a bad wife and was letting him down. All of which I’m sure was all in my head. 
 
To get my mind on other things I really took an interest in working out. Looking back it was something I could control. I could push myself and make physical and mental changes and nobody could tell me no. I told my body what I wanted to do and it did it. I dedicated my mornings 5-6 days a week to going to the gym. I also did something I never thought I could do go at 5am. I started working out in November 2012. 
 
In the summer of 2013 I decided since my hopes of having a child were diminishing I would start to change other aspects of my life and look for a new job, which I achieved in August 2013. 
 
Everything was going really good in my life but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom. 
 
On Monday September 30th I found out I was pregnant! I just simply couldn’t believe it and I don’t think I did for a few days. We didn’t tell anyone but my parents at first and then my husbands parents but kept it a secret for almost 10 weeks. The whole time I couldn’t believe I was with child. I was okay not telling anyone because I didn’t want to jinx anything and I was scared. 
 
My pregnancy wasn’t the easiest but certainly could have been worse. Fatigue was overpowering my life. 16 weeks into the pregnancy we found out the gender; its a girl! My heart was full… Or so I thought! 
 
On May 27th 2014 I feel like my life truly began. My little girl Carolina Mae was here and I could hold her and kiss her! NOW my heart was full. One thing I wasn’t expecting was to fall even more in love with my husband but seeing him so emotional for really the first time was inexplicable. 
 
Carolina is 12 weeks old this week and I find myself thinking back to that time in my life when I didn’t know if she would ever get here and that quote and I’m so glad I didn’t give up because she is everything I wanted and sooo much more! She’s sleeping in my lap right now and all I can think is with my husband, my dogs (Kona and Sadie), and my sweet sweet babygirl my house is now truly a home. 
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mommy is not available right now…. leave a message after the tone: BEEP!

written: 8.21.14

 

Let me start of by saying I love my new life. With that said I’m starting to figure out how hard this stay at home mommy thing is. 

The hardest thing for me to adjust to is losing my quiet time where I can truly relax and rejuvenate my mind. I didn’t think this was all that important at first because I had all the day to day things down. I also couldn’t bear being away from Carolina for any extended time. What I’m learning is that if I can step back and reflect and relax I could be an even better mom. One thing I can do is once a week escape somewhere just for a couple hours. The key will be not to spend money excessively because let’s face it I don’t have an income but I could be happy just sitting at Barnes and Noble to read a book or start to write more. Maybe find a coffee shop and do the same. Definitely something to give some thought. 

Another thing that I’m struggling with is my husband spending so much time outside of the home and not getting enough quality time with Carolina. Currently when he gets home she is extra cranky for an hour or more. Its been this way for several weeks now  I hate that because he doesn’t have the ability to see her laugh and talk and play like I do during the day. Also with me taking care of the home I’m noticing that he may be taking advantage of that a little bit. I’m not asking him to clean the house or laundry but it seems when Carolina needs to be fed or a diaper change it’s all of a sudden “mommy time”.  By taking some time away from the house I can give him that time with her to find that bond he had with her when she was first born.

Another highlight would be I would be able to write a full blog entry before my baby woke up. Time to go return to the best part of my day, hanging with my daughter!

I read a quote recently that read “the greatest work you do will be within the walls of your own home.” I believe that. I also think that work is the hardest of all. 

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APPLICATIONS NO LONGER NEEDED: POSITION FILLED!

 

 written: 8.14.14
 
one door closes; another door opens

A new chapter in my life has begun: I have become a stay at home mom! 

This new position is by far the most important one I’ve ever had. It also makes me the most nervous for numerous reasons. 
    1.  I’m nervous because another life is completely dependent on my care. Being a stay at home mom is a 24/7/365 position. I no longer have sick days, personal days, vacation days. This fact is daunting yet so full of happiness. How can that be? How can being exhausted to the point you don’t know if you brushed your hair or not or that PJs have become my entire wardrobe make me so incredibly happy? 
    2.  I’m nervous to be solely dependent on my husband, financially. The last time I was dependent on someone I was a teenager living at home with my parents. Will my husband treat me like his wife still or an employee? I love my husband and I adore being his wife but throughout our whole relationship (6 years) we have been very independent and prided ourselves on the fact that I was not like the wives we’ve known who were dependent on their husbands. We were so independent that we never shared a bank account, and I’m still not on his account. While some people reading this may wonder what kind of relationship do we have because we have maintained a lot of individuality but I’m proud of our relationship…we’ve just created our own story and rules. I guess the nice part of creating our own story and rules is that we can change the rules anytime. 🙂 Another thought is that if we don’t share an account or even if we do, do I have to ask permission to spend any money? How will this work?  This may be the biggest fear I have about staying home. I’m sure this topic could be a whole new post; and very well may be eventually once I see how things are panning out. 
    3.  I’m nervous that when I decide to return to the workforce it will be hard to find ‘my place’.As I type that sentence it also makes me very excited because I’m excited that I can find something I’m actually excited about. I feel that if I were to work outside the home I should enjoy what I do so that it justifies being away from my child. 

However, no matter my fears and/or concerns being here to see Carolina roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, and talk outweighs all the fears and nerves I have about staying at home. 

I never expected to stay at home. I wish that staying at home would be this fabulous life…maybe I watch ‘The Real Housewives’ maybe a little much; laying out by a pool, drinking wine at 11:00am, nannies and maids. It is amazing but it’s definitely wasn’t about wearing fabulous clothes and eating at fancy restaurants; staying at home comes with a LONG list of duties and responsibilities. Even in my sleep I think I’m making a to do list. I ended up creating a weekly cleaning list so that each day I clean a room in the house so that I’m not cleaning all day and that I’m not too lazy and leave it all for weeks at a time. I’ve started using a weekly menu planning so that I can plan what I will cook for dinner each day because with a newborn I never really know how much time I have while she is napping or at least content long enough to cook something. I don’t want to waste time staring aimlessly in the pantry or refrigerator. 

I never thought I wanted to stay at home. I have mocked women who stayed at home. I raved that ‘when I have kids I will work and still be able to maintain a home and care for my child.’ Does my new found feeling and thoughts make me a hypocrite? Possibly. But I think its was more of me being very unaware and uneducated about what it means to be a mother. Just like teenagers think they know what life is like being an adult then realize later in life that maybe we didn’t ‘know it all’; I was this way about motherhood. I also believe that me wanting to stay home isn’t because I couldn’t handle maintaining the home and care for my child while working but more about a new found feeling of love and not wanting to miss the numerous first that Carolina will have.

 

A word I’ve never used to describe myself is being submissive. In the past I felt that being submissive meant being controlled and weak. I am learning how to become submissive because I’m learning that being submissive does not mean weak or that I’m entering into ‘slavery’, or his control. I’m submitting to my new role in our family just as he is. I just hope my husband doesn’t feel that way. I hope he respects what I do around the home. Just as he is providing financially for the family I’m providing a loving, well kept, stable home. 

Overall, becoming a mother has changed me in ways I never thought possible. I feel things I’ve never felt before. I believe in things I never new existed. I love more deeply. I’m a better person because of Carolina and I’m forever grateful to her for that. 

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DANGER: pregnancy hormones at work

written: 12.23.13

I’ve always heard women tell me how they were just an emotional mess during their pregnancies and I remember thinking it can’t be that different from the mood swings from our monthly cycle! Holy moly was I wrong!!!

My mood changes not just on a weekly or daily basis but hourly sometimes. I can see a sad commercial on TV and just burst into tears. Something can go wrong at work and I’m crying because everything is being ruined. My husband can look at me the wrong way and I could punch him in the face. These are just a few of the situations I have found myself in recently. 

I’ve never been an overly emotional person so I am surprised at how much I have become an emotional roller coaster during my pregnancy. 

My black lab Kona turned 5 years old today and I just cuddled in bed with her and cried because I don’t want her to get old and eventually pass away. She has been my ‘child’ for the last 5 years and I cannot imagine my life without her. I ended up laughing at myself (as I typically do when I’m in one of my mood swings)… so here I was lying in bed crying and laughing all at the same time! Whoa buddy I still have 5 more months! God help me! 

The other emotional part aside from mood swings is now I’m starting to show. I’m not ready to buy maternity clothes or for my body to change so much! YIKES!!! guess I can’t stop this train so I better hop on and prepare for the rest of this journey!I just hope I can get back on my workout routine as soon as possible and return to where I was (or better yet… even better than what I was before). 

We’re looking forward to finding out what we are having on January 8th. I’m sure that will be my next post.