first come loves… then comes marriage…. then baby????

written: 8.21.14

“it’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” Author unknown

 
I remember reading that quote when all I could think about was having a baby. As children we grow up singing ‘first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (insert name) with a baby carriage.’ Sadly as with most fairy tales and stories from our childhood it just doesn’t always happen this way.  
 
I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in 2008. We got married in 2011, and instantly knew we wanted a family so we did what any married couple does we tried and tried to conceive. 
 
I pride myself that I’m pretty realistic and I didn’t expect to get pregnant the first time we tried but after 6 months I wonder what was taking so long. I made an appointment with my obgyn to discuss everything and after a few tests and appointments we discovered our ‘fairy tale’ wouldn’t be so simple… Or possible. 
 
I think any female that receives news like this goes through a series of emotions… Why is this happening to me? 
Will my husband regret marrying me if I can never give him a child? 
As a woman this is what I’m here to do… Bear children so if impossible what is my purpose then? 
 
The main frustration was My husband and I did everything right, we graduated high school, went straight to college and received our degrees, had good careers started, got married…. so why can’t we get pregnant…. It wasn’t fair!!
 
I struggled with these emotions, questions, frustrations for days. I think the number one emotion I felt was just overall sadness. 
 
I did everything my doctor told me to do. Nine loooong months of trying with the help of medication my obgyn then told me he would refer me to infertility specialists in my area. What I heard is “there nothing more I can do for you, sorry.” Which is another disappointment. I quickly found out that my insurance nor my husbands covered any infertility treatment. The consultation would be $600. A cost my husband and were not prepared for. 
 
I’m not a quitter but I was starting to see our window of opportunity closing. I found myself pulling away from my husband because I felt like I was a bad wife and was letting him down. All of which I’m sure was all in my head. 
 
To get my mind on other things I really took an interest in working out. Looking back it was something I could control. I could push myself and make physical and mental changes and nobody could tell me no. I told my body what I wanted to do and it did it. I dedicated my mornings 5-6 days a week to going to the gym. I also did something I never thought I could do go at 5am. I started working out in November 2012. 
 
In the summer of 2013 I decided since my hopes of having a child were diminishing I would start to change other aspects of my life and look for a new job, which I achieved in August 2013. 
 
Everything was going really good in my life but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom. 
 
On Monday September 30th I found out I was pregnant! I just simply couldn’t believe it and I don’t think I did for a few days. We didn’t tell anyone but my parents at first and then my husbands parents but kept it a secret for almost 10 weeks. The whole time I couldn’t believe I was with child. I was okay not telling anyone because I didn’t want to jinx anything and I was scared. 
 
My pregnancy wasn’t the easiest but certainly could have been worse. Fatigue was overpowering my life. 16 weeks into the pregnancy we found out the gender; its a girl! My heart was full… Or so I thought! 
 
On May 27th 2014 I feel like my life truly began. My little girl Carolina Mae was here and I could hold her and kiss her! NOW my heart was full. One thing I wasn’t expecting was to fall even more in love with my husband but seeing him so emotional for really the first time was inexplicable. 
 
Carolina is 12 weeks old this week and I find myself thinking back to that time in my life when I didn’t know if she would ever get here and that quote and I’m so glad I didn’t give up because she is everything I wanted and sooo much more! She’s sleeping in my lap right now and all I can think is with my husband, my dogs (Kona and Sadie), and my sweet sweet babygirl my house is now truly a home. 
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