1

7 years ago today!

It is crazy to believe that 7 years ago today I met my husband. It’s even crazier to sit and think about everything that has happened 7 years. I don’t know if it is normal but the older I get the faster time seems to go by. The past 7 years have not been easy but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Thinking about this milestone just got me thinking about life, and time in general.

I remember being in younger thinking about when I got older, married, and had children of my own; I used to look at people (who I am now) and wonder what life was like as an adult. It doesn’t seem like that long ago yet it does. It’s bittersweet really. Now I look at younger people (who I used to be) and think that I hope they are enjoying their youth and all that is in front of them. As much as I wish I could go back in time I am also very content being 30, married, with a child of my own.

If you have every sat back and really thought about this journey that we are all on called life; it’s just crazy. We are constantly looking and dreaming of tomorrow and what the future holds. We reminiscence and long to revisit moments and experiences from our younger years. How often though do we just appreciate the now? That’s very very hard to do. Every day I talk with people about yesterdays and tomorrows; not as much of today though! I would like to do that more… appreciate the moment!

I’m so glad my plans changed 7 years ago and I went to that local bar and made eye contact with an attractive man. I’m glad he came up to talk to me. I’m glad I gave him my number. I’m glad he called. I’m glad I moved away from home to be closer to him. I’m glad he asked for my hand in marriage. I’m glad we got married. What I’m most happy about is having our daughter!

I know in comparison to some 7 years isn’t that long but for us it’s the longest relationship we’ve had. I’m looking forward to see what happens in the next 7 years!

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8

What my husband doesn’t know…

What my husband doesn’t know…

 

Is when I hear my daughter talking in her crib in the morning(around 630-7am) my first thought is getting everything ready for breakfast. 1. Let the dogs out and feed them then let them back out 2. Warm up for food or prepare it (I make my own baby’s good) 3. Get her formula ready 4. Make sure coffee is made (i do this the night before). I do this all in a matter of a couple of minutes before I go to her because it’s a lot easier and quicker without her watching me get get food ready.

Then I get her out of bed and changed.

What my husband doesn’t know…

After I feed her I clean her up, Finally pour my coffee and head to living room. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

I don’t just get to sit on the couch and watch the morning talk shows because we have a 9 1/2 month old who likes to climb up where she shouldn’t, crawl out of sight constantly, slip and fall (mostly scares her), then wanting to crawl all over me, she wants up and down… Up and down. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

It’s now after 9am and she starts getting tired and cranky. This means hard to hold and sometimes just fights sleep (you’ll regret that one day kid, sleep now)

What my husband doesn’t know…

It’s now almost 10am, she’s napping and I may be half way through my first cup of coffee. I’ll finally eat something for breakfast. Then I’ll do the dishes from breakfast and throw in a load of laundry… Something around the house. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

Is then around 1045 our child is awake. Time to change diaper and get dressed. Time for a little formula and back to playing as before. I may be half way through my second cup of coffee by now. Also managed to continue with laundry. Maybe I even vacuumed while she was in her bouncer or having her drink. 

I’m not even going to go into running errands and preparing for that. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

It’s now 1230p and it’s lunch time. Warm up or prepare her food, occupy her while I do that. While she’s drinking her milk I clean those dishes. 

It’s now after 1p and it’s FaceTime with my parents. This is actually like a mini break in my day, although holding a phone and active 9 1/2 month old is not easy. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

By 2pm she’s starting to get cranky and you may think she’s ready for a nap but she’s not. She just needs a little quiet cuddle time (about 10 minutes or so… My favorite time). Then she’ll get back to playing or we’ll read a book. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

Her second nap doesn’t come until about 330pm. Then I have my lunch. I finish my house chores I’ve set out to do that day and make sure dinner is planned and ready to cook. Oh and feed the dogs again. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

Our daughter will be awake by 4-430p and then it’s time for dinner. I prepare and feed her while I’m making ours. This is the trickiest feeding and takes the most out of me to keep her entertained. I then do the dishes and clean up because I still give her a bath in the sink ( not ready to be on my knees bending over a bath tub just yet). Then it’s usually cartoon time to take a break (for me). Usually though we are playing, walking around the house (me half bending over holding her hands walking up and down the hall and all around).

You usually get home around this point. And you’re still working on your phone or iPad and ask the while I’m trying to keep her as quiet as possible. And I’m also trying to fill you in on our day in between your calls. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

I would love for you to put down the electronic devices and spend some good time with our daughter. I know she fusses when you take her from me to hold but can’t you see why now… We’ve been doing a lot together all day long. I’m her everything at this point. I want so badly for her to run to you (or crawl) when you get home… That will come in time I know. But for now I wish you could spend more time with her. She’s a baby once. I used to work in sales so I understand what you do but I don’t think not taking a call the moment it comes in is too much.

What my husband doesn’t know…

After I finish her bedtime ritual and she’s asleep (around 730-8o) then I clean up ask the toys, prepare coffee for next day (see why this is important), I then try to go to the gym. Come home, check on her, shower and take a little care of myself. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

When I lay down at night I never have nothing on my mind. I replay everything that day, maybe re-watch the videos I took of her that day, and mentally prepare for tomorrow. 

Also if you’re working late and not home then I’m praying that the dogs don’t bark when you do get home and wake her up. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

I don’t sleep through the night even she does (thank goodness). I wake up to check the monitor a couple times. 

What my husband sees is his daughter eating breakfast in the morning and then a clean house and dinner when he comes home. 

Now I know my husband is providing for all of us and that had its pressures. I also love everything I do with my daughter each day and love staying home with her. I just wish he saw what it takes to do what I do. 

What I wish by husband knew….

0

Opposites Attract

Being a good wife is hard. I think we are all good at many things. We all juggle multiple things a day and wear many hats so were bound to be good at some, maybe even a lot of things. I wish I could pick the things I’m good at. I mean I know you can always work on certain aspects and things but it’s so hard to remember that during the day. I mean I’m a mother, wife, daughter, sister, Dog mommy (that’s a real thing), cleaner of the house, home chef, etc…how can I remember everything I want to change/improve? And being a good wife should be easy, right? 

I made a post around New year’s that I wanted to focus on being a better wife and sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing any better. Let me start off by saying I love my husband. Love him so very much. He’s my best friend. Now that I’ve stated that…. He can drive me absolutely bonkers. I mean bat shit crazy. We’re very different. The saying opposites attract couldn’t be a more accurate description of us. I grew up in the suburbs, him the country. I am a homebody, he can’t sit still (for more than a few minutes I swear). I’m all about family and spending every moment with them, he is very career focused.

We bicker about everything like a couple that’s been married for 50 years. To the outside world they probably think we don’t like each other half the time, but it’s all in fun.

The biggest difference between us I’d that I’m a planner, organizer, more serious person (I don’t think I’m very fun because I’m always thinking about the next thing or the consequences/results). He’s laid back, non planner, non organizer, and not serious about anything. There is nothing more frustrating than a serious person communicating with the jokester. I can get so frustrated about something and then he’ll do/say something funny and I’ll laugh. “See, you’re not upset” that”s the next thing off his tongue. O. M. G. Soooo not the case!!!

After the day is done or he leaves for work I kick myself because I know I should be able to laugh about what he says or does. “Why did I get so frustrated about something so dumb? Why couldn’t I just relax?” Why is it that as soon as he leaves or I’m falling asleep I can let it go but when I’m face to face with him I can’t? How can I remember in the moment not to flip out on him?

The question I really want to ask is why can’t he just realize I’m like this and not drive me crazy? That would’ve easy because I wouldn’t have to change anything. Ha! Oh well a girl can dream. Seriously though, I know it would take both of us to be aware and in the moment.

I don’t think I’m a bad wife but I definitely want to be better. Tomorrow’s a new day and another day to try!

6

Good Mom; Bad Wife!?!?!

The baby honeymoon has ended in my household over the last several months and I’m just coming to realize it.

When I delivered my daughter I saw a side of my husband I simply didn’t know existed. He was amazing while I was in the hospital. I ended up needing a c-section so I was limited on what I could do those first few days. My husband did everything, without complaint. He took care of me when I had to get up, showering, basically anything that involved me standing up or bending over. He changed diapers, held our daughter as she slept, helped me figure out how to nurse her. Even when he could sleep he didn’t because he was constantly checking on our daughter. He also had to come home periodically to take care of my two dogs.

He had tears in his eyes everyday that week. He said when he would run home he would cry leaving us. I was in complete awe of this man. I never knew of this man and I fell in love with him all over again.

……..

Now fast forward to today. He leaves an empty bag on the table (when the trash can is right next to him), he will hand me something to put I the dirty cloths bin when he is in the same room as the laundry, he hasn’t cooked a meal in I don’t know how long, or cleaned anything. This was the man I was used to.

Now since I stay at home I have no problem cooking, doing laundry, cleaning. You’ll probably think I’m weird but I actually enjoy this work. I’m a little OCD so cleaning is therapeutic to me. I don’t ask him nor expect him to take care of all these things. Somehow, I feel like I’m a bad wife now that I’ve become a mother.

I am pretty obsessed with my daughter and I absolutely love being a mother. Even through screaming fits, sleepless nights, teething, EVERYTHING, I love being a mom. I think I’m a good mother. I don’t mean to brag or boast, I just feel comfortable with being a mother… It feels natural, so I feel like I give her my best.

At the same time, while I’m being a good mother I’m also being a bad wife because I’m constantly getting aggravated by my husband. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to let my opinions fly out of my mouth whether I want them to or not… Even when I know I should just keep my mouth shut…I don’t listen. Therefore, I let my husband know I’m aggravated, and do so often.

I don’t even know why I get so aggravated by him. He hasn’t changed. But then maybe I have. As soon as I give him a piece of my mind I immediately want to rewind time and not say anything. Sometimes I get aggravated because I’m aggravated and I know there isn’t a good reason to be, which is really upsetting. Yet, I am too prideful to admit that to him so I just go along and stay annoyed. I guess the best way to explain it is that I feel like I’m at the peak of PMS and literally the sound of someone breathing ticks you off and you know it’s dumb to be this annoyed but you don’t care you’re annoyed nonetheless (sorry men, I know you can’t relate to that one).

I love my husband more then I could ever explain. Forever simply isn’t long enough for us to be together. I’m so lucky to have a daughter with him. I’m sooooo thankful he has given me the opportunity to stay home with our daughter. I love my life. I feel bad that sometimes I act so unappreciative for everything I have, but I don’t know how to not get annoyed with some of the things he does (or doesn’t do).

I’m sure it doesn’t help that we are both very sarcastic people and have used our dry sense of humor in our relationship since the beginning. I think that isn’t working anymore and it’s taking some adjustment. I’m also the person who will keep a lot of my real feelings in and not want to talk about them until I understand them and he always wants everything to be okay all the time. As you can imagine, that combination doesn’t quite work well together sometimes.

I want to work on not only being a good mother but also a better wife. My husband and I are the best of friends and our love is so comfortable. I think we just need to figure out how to be husband/wife AND daddy/mommy at the same time.

2

“No, please don’t buy me that!”

Those are words I never would have thought I’d say. Especially over and over again.

Let me explain, my husband and I ran some errands yesterday and out of nowhere he wanted to go to a Verizon store and when we got there he was asking the associate about upgrading my phone to get the iPhone 6 or 6 plus. I told him I don’t really need a new phone and I certainly didn’t want him to pay 200-300 for it. It’s basically just like the one I have size wise just bigger screen (i have iPhone 5). After we left he drove to at&t and again I told him I really don’t need a phone.

He also a few days before this wanted me to go on a shopping spree for just myself… The rules are I can’t buy anything for my daughter or dogs. I think he got mad when I told him I didn’t want or need anything. But it’s true. If I can’t buy anything for my daughter or dogs what else is there to get. Yeah I could buy some shoes but I don’t really go out anywhere and I still have shoes I barely wear. I could buy clothes but again I prefer what I have and nothing has stood out to me.

I know this is his way of showing his appreciation for everything I do and it’s incredibly sweet of him but I just don’t need anything. Who would have thought I’d have to fight off my husband from buying me things. I am perfectly content, actually more than just content, with everything I have.

Am I crazy? A dream wife? Lol

I think I am just so blessed with everything I have now and it’s everything money can’t buy.

#sothankful

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Fancy Dinner… Red Wine…. A Night out with my husband

Well I did it! After almost 7 months my husband and I went out to dinner without baby! I was anxious all day leading up to when we left. Okay, actually I was anxious the whole week leading up to it. Sounds crazy I know. My parents were coming up to visit and to bring the gifts they got for Carolina. They have been trying to get me out of the house for months. I just wasn’t ready but I knew I would have to eventually. My husband’s work Christmas party is next Friday so I figured I would use this past Saturday as a test run of how I would do. At this time, I’m only comfortable leaving her with my mom because she has been around Carolina the most outside of my husband and I. My mom also knows our schedule so I knew she would keep her on track. Next Friday I won’t leave until she is in bed and my brother will basically house sit while we’re out. I only texted my parents once to see how she went down because it was the first time I missed that.

I thought about her the whole time but I was able to carry on some adult conversations. I also had 2 glasses of wine (the most I’ve had in over a year). The hardest part was not being here to put her to bed. It was the first time since she was born that I didn’t put her to bed. I didn’t like missing that. We were out for 2.5 hours and that was long enough. I was ready to come home. 1. I missed my baby 2. I had 2 glasses of red wine and was noticing the effects.

I know my parents enjoyed that time with her as they love her so much. It’s so great to see how excited they get over her. My baby fell asleep without any fuss as normal so I’m thankful to know that she did great! I survived but I also felt the happiest when we got home and I was back where I belong. I love taking care of my family. It’s exhausting, thankless work. My husband doesn’t always thank me for cleaning up all the toys at the end of the day, making sure the laundry is done and ready for his work week, that I have the coffee already scheduled to start in the morning. But I know he appreciates what I do and that is all I need. My daughter sleeps sound at night and is happy ‘most’ of the day so I know I’m doing right by her as well. I don’t need a fancy meal, or extended time away to revive me…. I’m perfectly content with my days right here in this house that we have and are continuing to make a home. A home, full of memories and love! The kind of place I’m so very proud of.

1

first come loves… then comes marriage…. then baby????

written: 8.21.14

“it’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” Author unknown

 
I remember reading that quote when all I could think about was having a baby. As children we grow up singing ‘first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (insert name) with a baby carriage.’ Sadly as with most fairy tales and stories from our childhood it just doesn’t always happen this way.  
 
I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in 2008. We got married in 2011, and instantly knew we wanted a family so we did what any married couple does we tried and tried to conceive. 
 
I pride myself that I’m pretty realistic and I didn’t expect to get pregnant the first time we tried but after 6 months I wonder what was taking so long. I made an appointment with my obgyn to discuss everything and after a few tests and appointments we discovered our ‘fairy tale’ wouldn’t be so simple… Or possible. 
 
I think any female that receives news like this goes through a series of emotions… Why is this happening to me? 
Will my husband regret marrying me if I can never give him a child? 
As a woman this is what I’m here to do… Bear children so if impossible what is my purpose then? 
 
The main frustration was My husband and I did everything right, we graduated high school, went straight to college and received our degrees, had good careers started, got married…. so why can’t we get pregnant…. It wasn’t fair!!
 
I struggled with these emotions, questions, frustrations for days. I think the number one emotion I felt was just overall sadness. 
 
I did everything my doctor told me to do. Nine loooong months of trying with the help of medication my obgyn then told me he would refer me to infertility specialists in my area. What I heard is “there nothing more I can do for you, sorry.” Which is another disappointment. I quickly found out that my insurance nor my husbands covered any infertility treatment. The consultation would be $600. A cost my husband and were not prepared for. 
 
I’m not a quitter but I was starting to see our window of opportunity closing. I found myself pulling away from my husband because I felt like I was a bad wife and was letting him down. All of which I’m sure was all in my head. 
 
To get my mind on other things I really took an interest in working out. Looking back it was something I could control. I could push myself and make physical and mental changes and nobody could tell me no. I told my body what I wanted to do and it did it. I dedicated my mornings 5-6 days a week to going to the gym. I also did something I never thought I could do go at 5am. I started working out in November 2012. 
 
In the summer of 2013 I decided since my hopes of having a child were diminishing I would start to change other aspects of my life and look for a new job, which I achieved in August 2013. 
 
Everything was going really good in my life but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom. 
 
On Monday September 30th I found out I was pregnant! I just simply couldn’t believe it and I don’t think I did for a few days. We didn’t tell anyone but my parents at first and then my husbands parents but kept it a secret for almost 10 weeks. The whole time I couldn’t believe I was with child. I was okay not telling anyone because I didn’t want to jinx anything and I was scared. 
 
My pregnancy wasn’t the easiest but certainly could have been worse. Fatigue was overpowering my life. 16 weeks into the pregnancy we found out the gender; its a girl! My heart was full… Or so I thought! 
 
On May 27th 2014 I feel like my life truly began. My little girl Carolina Mae was here and I could hold her and kiss her! NOW my heart was full. One thing I wasn’t expecting was to fall even more in love with my husband but seeing him so emotional for really the first time was inexplicable. 
 
Carolina is 12 weeks old this week and I find myself thinking back to that time in my life when I didn’t know if she would ever get here and that quote and I’m so glad I didn’t give up because she is everything I wanted and sooo much more! She’s sleeping in my lap right now and all I can think is with my husband, my dogs (Kona and Sadie), and my sweet sweet babygirl my house is now truly a home.